Being a contrarian by nature, I’ve decided to turn on its head the mandatory “10 New Year’s Predictions” post every blogger is required to write on threat of having access cut to all WordPress updates. So here are my ELEVEN reverse predictions of what will Definitely Not Happen in the Year 2021:
The Fat of the Land
11. The jeans in which we’ve been quarantining will henceforth NOT be called our “fat jeans.” They will become our “jeans.” In a related act of abject surrender, all our “skinny jeans” will be donated to Goodwill, where they will become some human pipe cleaner’s “fat jeans.”
10. Congress will NOT improve in any way, shape, or form. This will necessitate Nate Silver and Steve Kornacki accepting the use of negative integers in “Congressional Approval Rating” polling. This will not be because the Democrats have a razor-thin eleven-seat majority in the House and who-knows-what in the Senate. It will be because they remain the U.S. Congress. Also, as Will Rogers once observed, “I’m not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat.”
In Sporting News
9. NEITHER the Detroit Tigers NOR the Baltimore Orioles will win the World Series—and I know I’m out on a limb here. Of course, my predicted winners of the World Series in 2021 will, as always, be the Chicago Cubs. They’re a lock. Really. In a related matter, in 2021 I will NOT stop hating the New York Mets.
8. In other sports news, the 2020 Tokyo Olympics will finally happen. Due to ongoing buffoonery with COVID vaccinations (see No. 4, infra), the Olympics will NOT include any sport in which athletes must come within six feet of one another. In an attempt to broaden viewership demographics, the IOC will replace all martial arts with singles, doubles, and mixed-doubles Corn Hole.
American Pop Culture
7. As COVID restrictions fade away, Americans will NOT return to Starbucks like herds of thirsty wildebeests migrating across the African savannah. We will realize that Starbucks coffee is kinda awful, always tastes burnt, and all we really want is the add-ins anyway. Instead, we’ll do straight caramel sauce shooters, followed by half a can of Reddi-wip squirted directly into our mouths.
6. Hollywood will NOT figure out what to do with the big-budget pictures they’ve been withholding until an end to COVID restrictions. In order to meet the minimum Oscars’ qualification of a “theatrical release,” MGM and Fox will reopen every derelict drive-in theater across the USA and Canada. A new generation of American teenagers will discover exactly what drive-ins are perfectly suited for, resulting in a statistically significant bump in the 2022 fertility rates.
Business as Usual?
5. Office workers will NOT return to, well, offices, having grown quite fond of working from home in sweat pants—or even no pants. After several incidents of Inadvertent Genital Exposure during Zoom meetings go viral, I’ll make a fortune marketing a variation on those dishwasher “Clean/Dirty” magnets for computer monitors that read “Pants/NO PANTS.”
4. Vaccination in America will NOT go as well as expected. This will disappoint all and surprise none, having witnessed how our state and federal governments did with mask/no-mask advice, COVID testing, contact tracing, and everything else that didn’t involve boatloads of dollars spent on making vaccines really, really fast. This glut of money resulted in a first vaccine that must be kept at temperatures that naturally occur only at the South Pole. In winter. The second vaccine, however, was a significant improvement, allowing storage in a regular drug store freezer, once they remove the big chunk of freezer-burned Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake left over from Monica the Cashier’s last birthday.
3. The stock market will NOT go down in 2021. In fact, the Dow Jones Industrial Average will touch a gazillion, before retreating the bazillion mark. This will be a result of the Federal Reserve announcing it will continue 0% interest rates and liberal “open market operations” until forever. For the non-economists among my readers, in addition to buying Government bonds, the Fed’s recent “open market operations” have also consisted of handing out boxcars of money in exchange for the corporate bonds of Big American Companies. Note that these corporations are already so flush with cash that they’ve had to sublet Scrooge McDuck’s gold cave.
A Persistence of Trump
2. Trump will NOT go away. This will thrill 42% of Americans and Very Highly Annoy 54%. The remaining 4% live in caves in the Mojave Desert with no access to broadband, that being the only explanation for not having an opinion. Ex-President Trump will be prevented from going away, should he so desire, by demands for his time by the Manhattan District Attorney, the New York Attorney General, and the Procurator Fiscal of Aberdeen, Scotland.
1. I will still NOT be able to buy a flying car. They’ve been promising flying cars since at least 1962. I want my flying car in 2022. Definitely, no excuses.
That’s the read of my tea leaves for the year ahead. Love to hear yours in Comments, below.